the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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