I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
