Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Randomize
