DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
