So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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