Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
