What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
