Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
you didnt know i had herpes?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
