the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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