remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
