This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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