Swine flu is the new snow day.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
