My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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