i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
