my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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