a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
