I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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