I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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