Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
