I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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