Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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