it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
