i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
