Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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