were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
