Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
