On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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