stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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