she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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