the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
