hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
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