i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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