my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
