I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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