what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
