Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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