I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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