I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
