I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
