You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just threw up on my dentist
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize