I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
