listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
