a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
