Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
In America we eat man semen.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Randomize
