Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
