i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
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