the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
