Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
