Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
