New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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