youre lurking in front of me
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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