so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
