i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize