our cab driver is having phone sex.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
