I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
