Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
