He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
