thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize