omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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