I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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