I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
